“Listen miss hooker, you can suck my cock for cash as long as said money goes towards Wonder Bread and Diet Pepsi. But what fucking guy is going to actually think that the hooker he just picked up off the street is going to be in favor of the war on drugs? Come fucking on! What a load of bullshit. OK, so maybe along with the assortment of condoms she conceals in her boots, maybe Whorella does keep a secret stash of floss. Hookers floss with pubic hair and use semen for mouthwash. If she only had a prince charming–specifically a multi-millionaire prince charming–to set her straight, why then she could be living out the American Dream in suburbia and popping out a Range Rover worth of screaming brats namedĭakota, Tucker, Cheyenne and Dallas in no time! I wish all of you could have heard the string of profanities that left my mouth when I found out she was hiding floss. Get it? Julia Roberts’s hookerĬharacter is just a nice, down to earth girl who has lost her way in the big city. Turns out though, that it wasn’t drugs she’s concealing, it was DENTAL FLOSS. Good thinking on his part, because you show me a clean and sober hooker in LA and I’ll show you a fucking fairy tale. Gere grabs for it and begins telling her that he won’t have anything to do with drugs. So, Roberts is in the bathroom doing something and Gere bursts in catching her off guard.
JULIA ROBERTS SANDRA BULLOCK LONG LOST TWINS MOVIE
Now, granted, in a movie about a man and a hooker we are shown NO SEX AT ALL. One particularly galling scene goes down like this.
Last time I checked–don’t read this honey–hand jobs started at about $250. In fact, in this lame, lameįilm, Roberts’ character is going to charge Gere the grand total of $100 for her services, which is ludicrous. Either way, they are not peddling their respective asses on the touristy part of Hollywood Blvd for chump change. And really good-looking women who fit the profile I just described become porn stars. Like I said a few paragraphs up, LIES! All of it. Beats working at the mall, right? Absent from this laughable portrayal of whoredom were the alley whippings, the rapes, the police busts, the rapes perpetrated in the back of squad cars by the police, the frequent abortions, the venereal disease, the track marks, the terror, the fact that 100% of all hookers (in this country) have been sexually molested and abused to the point where they can’t even sort of fit into society anymore, let alone quickly ascend to the top of the social ladder if only given the chance. During the first fifteen minutes of the film, prostitution is made to look like a shitty job girls might take between semesters at the junior college. They are allowed to hang out in bars and behave like jackasses. In Pretty Woman, Roberts and her goofy little roommate live in an apartment. In short, this lady would have done my entire household for bus fair. Her preferred method for trying to sell her wares involved lifting her skirt up to her distended tits and calling me and my roommate faggots (“ Hola pinche mericons…”). The hooker that used to hang out across from the Burrito King by my old place on the corner of Sunset and Alvarado weighed two hundred and fifty pounds if she weighed an ounce. Things east of Hollywood for the last four years, I can assure you THERE ARE NO HOOKERS, NONE, WALKING THE STREETS OF LOS ANGELES THAT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THAT. Moving on, having not only grown up around Los Angeles and lived in the thick of OK look, first of all, if a hooker did exist in Los Angeles that looked as good as Julia Roberts looked in Pretty Woman, she wouldn’t be a fucking hooker! Yes, she had a horse-face back then, but lets be honest here Queen Julia looked pretty hot. Please allow me to tell you that every single minute of the film, every single fucking frame, did nothing but scream, LIES! LIES! LIES!. Hooker with a heart of gold meets heartless businessman and together they conquer all the odds, stereotypes, yaddy yaddy bullshit. This movie is mendacious! What utter, horrible horsecrap! I don’t even know where to start. And So Began Julia Roberts’s Reign of Terror!Īdmittedly I saw Pretty Woman when it first came out in theaters back in 1990, forgot all about it, then watched about an hour’s worth on HBO the other night before I had to shut it off.
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